when you had enough...

Enough sometimes doesn't really mean enough. No matter how I tried to say "enough" for something, it just keeps on doing the rituals. It just keeps on repeating things I don't want to happen.

I am very disappointed at some point of my life when I thought that life is getting smooth for me but turned out it's really not. Never realizing the consequence of being too confident on the outcomes of the decisions in life, things repeat itself unwittingly.

Not many words can express what's inside you but sighs and more sighs. You start to question yourself, 'Why does it have to happen?' 'Why my family members, of which I am affected?' 'Why so sudden?'. I try to find answers. Try. Try. And more tries. Flipping your head upside down just in case some drop of wit and comprehension might fall.

Wasted in my desolation, I try to drown the thoughs in an intoxicating clouds trying to vie for a clear answer. Then ask myself again and again, as to 'Why?'. I am justifying my motions. Justifying my actions. Justifying everything and not realizing what I have done.

In one moment, I smiled. I did found a rationalization on my mountainous problem. 'Why do I have to suffer looking for answers for the things I am not directly involved?'. The smile soon faded. I have realized then that I loved and cared for this person.

I have once said 'Enough' but it happened again. It's not a simple slap-me-on-the-cheek-once-and-twice-I-will-slap-you-back thing. It's a matter of life and death.

I just wanted the best and nothing but the irrefutable best but it seems everything will be a waste. A waste that will last for a lifetime.

Devasted on the realization of the problem, I have nothing more left but to trust God. I can't spare any cent from my mind. I give up firing bullets to my brain looking for appropriate antidote. It's now time that I should rest. Rest it all to Someone that is more wise. Much more understandable. Much to say, an All-knowing God.

I have to rest now. I can't think. I can't imagine what life will become in a few hours...days...months... years...decades. I have no choice but lay it all to GOD.